To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part XVII

Passing out is a strange thing.
One minute you're here.
Then, with a mere cerebral flutter, you're not.
Part of your brain insists you're dead, of course you're not.
Another part says it's better there, in the dark,
Where, exactly, are you?
Somewhere, you hear voices. Urgent voices.
Could you be in limbo?
A thin beam of light calls to you.
Will you reach heaven?
Brighter now, white and beautiful.
You hurry in that direction.
Your eyes agree, and open to discover...
You're back in hell, after all.
What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do?
Break me down
Bury me
I am finished with you.
What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for
I'm not running from you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Falling from myself
Falling for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am
How much must I curse your name
And put your beliefs to shame
Before you prove yourself
And end this life?
And I’ll say a fucking prayer
Because I know it won’t be answered
Where is your fucking God?
And even though I don't believe in you
I pray.
I want the hand of God
To come and strike me down
Where is your God?
For the families that waste their time
Open your fucking eyes
If this is where I'll hide
It was built deep inside
Yeah I'm a selfish bastard
But at least I'm not alone
My intentions never change
What I want still stays the same
And I know what I should do
Is understand myself
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves
A photograph of you and I
Your reflection I've erased
Like a thousand guns I asked today
Believe me when I say goodbye forever
Is for good
Alright, this is sad sad situation
Hitched a ride, I was so messed up
But I sure was glad to meet ya
You took my heart
And we're both still broken down
But while it looked pretty good on paper
And I come to find out later
That you're insane
Turn me off
I've had enough
I'm better off without anyone
I was wrong
Maybe you should stay away
Now I need a Goddamn vacation
Cause you're insane
I'm self-absorbed
And shallow too
And all I wanted was to
Sleep with you
A basket case
With a handsome face
And I can't take this shit no more
Where is the help
Where is the light
I'm crawling in a haze
I'm making a vow
I'm taking a stand
I'm starting to change my ways
I need to know when its time to go
To a place to be with you
I'm about to walk
I'm about to run
I'm about to lose
Lose my way
I can hardly talk
I can barely see
I'm counting on you
You lead the way
Somebody said your watchin' over me
I find it hard to believe
If I'm hearing you right
I'll give up the fight
And let you have all of me
Be my eyes
oh be my thoughts
be my everything
Its my chance
Its my choice
I fall
The golden walls surround me no more
Though I laugh
I know this ain't no fun at all
Into the maze of pain
My soul is cast, to be raped
Screams
Torment my ears, my fate is here
The dawn no more place
The place of disgrace
Eternal dusk, my eyes are none
Through darkness I stare
My dreams are here...not
Ridden by dark lord
The mare haunts my mind
Dimension of despair
The edge of death
My hands grips - none
The fight is ended
As I'm dying alone and
Lookin' a lot like i just got trampled on
Feelin' a lot like i just can't get up off the ground
No, i can't get up
I was worryin' about how this thing would turn out
Wondering how i could make everything go down my way
It's gotta be that way
Funny how you try to hold so tight
The more it slips away
The closer that you look its all a blur
I need a new today
Won't you...
How did i get here stuck in the middle
I wanna do right
But its easier to think about only me
It could only be
Can i wake up from this life that i'm livin'
Tell me again that it's all forgiven
What You see in me...
Save me
From the selfishness that keeps me far from you
Hold me
'til i know i hear You say
You're not looking for perfection
Just a willingness is fine
You will always have my attention
You just wanna hear me say
Save me

Love,
Evie Dwyn Toushirou
Age 14
WRITTEN: Tuesday, August 04, 2009, 12:47:06 AM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part XVI

I'm not an artist,
I'm a fucking work of art.
I want to go back to Norwood.
It's better there.
Mom blames me.
I blame me.
Sorry, Grandma, I didn't mean to.
I'm a bad person.
Blame me for all the sins.
Blame me for the war.
Blame me for your death.
Blame me.
It always starts the same.
End it all.
End me.
Or, if you want me to, walk me off a bridge.
Krista,
I'll love you forever, bitch.
Kyshya,
I'll love you forever, bitch.
Audrey,
I'll love you forever, you helped me open my eyes.
Tyler F.,
I love you, you were my first best friend.
Tyler H.,
I love you, you're hot.
Trenton,
I love/hate you.
Tyler,
I love you.
Mom,
I love/hate you.
Kent,
I love you.
Haydie,
I ...idk... you.
Mickoli,
I hate you...with a passion.
Valerie,
I'll love you forever, bitch.
Goodbye.
I'll see you if i ever need money.
Have a better life without me.

Love,
Evie Dwyn Toushirou
Age 14
WRITTEN: Thursday, June 23, 2009 4:59:02 PM

Life's B.S. Alphabet

A-Anarchy
B-Broken
C-Cigarettes
D-Destruction
E-Elections
F-Freedom
G-Gambling
H-Hell
I-Integrity
J-Justice
K-Killing
L-Loss
M-Money
N-Nonprofit
O-Organizations
P-Presidents
Q-Quilting
R-Rock Concerts
S-Stupid People
T-Testosterone
U-Underage Drinking
V-Virgins
W-Washington
Z-Zebras

Days Go By, I Still Have No Idea Why

Dangerous path.

Forget my past.

Wasted by drinking booze.

Forget it, I might as well lose.

Kyshya is gone.

I wait for the dawn.

The sun rises,

And I despise this.

My heart is speeding,

You are pleading.

Life and Death.

Present and Theft.

I see no difference.

Jump the fence.

Run on and on

Until you're gone.

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part XV

I must taste good.
Better than candy,
Because I kept you coming back for more.
You pulled me close,
whispered sweet promises,
and loved me until it was too difficult to bear.
Oh baby make it hurt more, you said.
Oh really, I said as I clawed at your shoulders.
I was making it hurt, and you said you liked it.
Well then you returned the favor,
only more vicious...
More evil.
I didn't like it.
You took my screams of pain and fear
As pleasure and happiness.
I trusted you too much.
Trusted you with my innocence.
But what a fool i was to think that you really loved me.
You were the perfect stalker.
Perfect animal.
You once asked me what i was thinking.
And i said, Why me?
You replied, me too.
I was depressed and i needed a shoulder.
Yours was open.
But enough of this bullshit.
Sometimes you fall before you fly.
Sometimes you laugh when you should cry.
Go figure.
When things got messed up,
You wanted to give up.
Nothing seemed right but it turned out fine.
Just when you learned the game of life.
All the rules change overnight.
It seems so wrong to even try,
But taking a chance never felt so right.
Not everything is what it seems.
There's never just one meaning.
When life starts making sense
The world is upside down again.
Angry with myself,
I turn away and mutter something in Chinese.
I used to know what it meant,
But now its just an empty sentence.
I sob and make my nails dig into my palms.
You notice the blood dripping and ask whats wrong.
I freeze in the summer air.
Nothing, I say, nevermind.
I wipe away my tears.
You ask if there is anything you can do.
I answere plainly.
Kill me.
You dont do it of course.
You "love" me too much.
And as I put the gun to my head,
You freeze.
And in the two seconds before I pull the trigger,
My life passes before me.
But I see nothing.
Time passes too quickly...
and its all gone.
Two months later,
at a relatives house,
crying in the bathroom,
Your relative asks whats wrong.
You answer simply,
I'm just missing my other half,
Don't worry,
I'll be fine soon.
And in the two seconds before you pull the trigger,
You see my face and its all gone.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
WRITTEN: Friday, July 10, 2009, 11:48:02 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part XIV

HILARY DUFF REMIXED MARS STYLE

In a moment everything can change.FOr a minute everything can wait.Can you trust this longing and take control?You can shine.Forget about why you can't,And Start to try.It's your time.All your worries,leave them somewhere else.Reach for something when there's nothing left.Can you hear it calling?Can you hear it in your soul?Open up the part of you that wants to hide away.Feel the wind on your shoulder.Let go of yesterday.I cry like a baby when I dont get my way.I won't apologize when i make a mistake.I got scars on my heart and they won't go away.I'm looking for someone to take them from me.Everybody know I'm a little insane.I try to be normal.I try to put one foot in front of the other.I'm waiting for your love to fall from the sky.I wanna show you me.I'm looking for the savior to save my soul.Everyone knows I just want someone to hold.You think that I'm out of mind,Maybe you're scared to be right.I feel like you don't even know I'm alive.I like the way you never sleep.And the promises you never keep.I like the scar above you lip,the way you let your feelings slip,and they are never what you feel.So fake but completely real.Don't you think its weird.That's what you wanna be.What I like about you is what you like about me.You're there without a plan.That's why you're such a happy woman.I just wanna be with you.Hiding away, losing the day,as if it doesnt really matter.Saying goodbye, scared to say why,afraid it'll shatter our world.Show some faith now.Trust me, somehow.Why are we keeping a secret?Why are we hiding ourselves away?I don't want to fake it.I won't let you hide away.Where do we go?How do we know what we're ever really after?Sometimes its clear,when you are here.Nothing can shatter our world.I want to make you believe what I say.Maybe I'm losing.Maybe I'm okay.Turn around.Look around.Go around in circles.Don't run away.Don't hide away.Don't drift away.Believe what I say.You're a rebel without a cause.A rebel to the first degree.What I'm standing on is sinking in.And I don't have a clue how to get off of it.But when I look at you there is hope.You read between the lines.You can be the one to hold me when I want to cry.Underneath this smile my world is slowly caving in.All the while, I'm still hanging on cause that is all know.Could you be the one to save me from every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole.I have walked this earth with broken bones.I've been keeping secrets under all these lights.When you're around, my defenses go.You don't let me twist and turn the truth.It feels as if I'm naked where I'm standing in the room.Could you be the one to save me??Some stories should never be told.Who all the answers?Who takes all the chances?Who said the truth's gonna save you?When the truth could be dangerous?I say what I have to say.And go where I have to go.I was a law unto myself.Together, nothing was sacred. Together, nothing was safe.Ignorance is bliss.You're safe when you resist.There's no safety in a kiss like this.So kiss me.There were places we would go at midnight.There were secrets that nobody else would know.There's a reason but I don't know why I thought they all belonged to me.Who's that guy?Where's he from?No, he can't be the one that you want, that's stolen my world.It's not real.It's not right.It's my day.It's my night.By the way?Who's that guy living my life?Seems like everythings the same,then i look again and everything has changed.I not dreaming,so I don't know why he's everywhere I want to be.I'm the one who made you laughwho made you feelwho made you sad.I'm not sorry for what we did who we were.I'm not sorry,I'm not him.Everyone knows that I'm ten feet under,until you come along and brighten my day.Everyone knows that you kill the thunderroaring in my brain.It's given me the strength to see right through the haze.Light me up,make me feel alive.You've got what it takes.Only you know how to lift my spirit off the ground,and chase those clouds away.Shine on me today.When everything's wrong,I just pick the phone up.the sound of you voise fills my eyes with tears of joy.'Cause I know you'll be there when I'm hanging by a thread.You're my heaven-sent.You make me feel like I can fly,You're under my wingsso you know I won't freefall out of the sky.You always there to save me.I'm an angel.I'm a devil.I am sometimes in between.I'm as bad as it can getand as good as it can be.Sometimes I'm a million colorsSometimes I'm black and whiteI am all extremes.Try to figure me out.You never can.There's so many things I am.I am special,I am beautiful,I am wonderful,I am powerful,I'm unstoppable,Sometime I'm miserable,At times I'm pitiful...but that's so typical of all the things I am.I'm someone filled with self belief.I've hunted myself down.I got all the answers.I got nothing figured out.I like to beat up myself.I hate to be alone.I am up and i am down.Buth thats part of the thrill,part of the plan.I'm a million contradictions.SOmetimes I make no sense.Sometimes I'm perfect.Sometimes I'm a mess.Sometimes I'm not sure who I am.Here I am again talking to myself,sitting at a red light.Both hands on the wheel,How am I supposed to feel so much running through my mind?First you want to be freeThen you say need me.It's so hard to let you in,Thinking you might slam the breaks again.Put the peddle down, heading out of town,gotta make a getaway.The traffic in my brain's driving me insane.This is more than I can take.you tell me that you love me first,then throw your heart into reverse.I want to let you in,But I don't want you to slam the breaks again.Cry Love,Cry War,Cry Innocence,that is lost forevermore.Cry Joy,Cry Theif,Cry Beautiful,That is just beyond belief.Cry at the end.Cry because all begins again.Here you are.And so am I,And we cry.Cry alone.Cry to me.Cry Freedom,Let yourself be free to shed the tears that have to flow.Hold someone close to you and let them go.Cry Peace,Cry Hate,Cry Faithlessness,But just have a little faith.And we try to be true.Try because we're only passing through.Don't spit on me,and shame yourself,because you wish you were someone else.Haters.Keep your lies out of my reality.Feeling angry and you dont know why?Look me in the eye and tell me the truth.Broken promises, and treaties.Darkened ballads, germinating.Not the haters, just the hated.Traitors.I don't want to save the day,I just want to get my way.You might say I'm the simple type.We're all part of the same parade.Read my lips and watch 'em curl.Don't believe the hype.Hey, girl, can you hear me?I want you to come with me?It could be so beautiful.I found myself today.I found myself and ran away.But something pulled me back.A voice of reason I forgot I had.All I know is you're not here to say what you always used to say.But it's written in the sky tonight.SO I wont give up,I won't break down.Sooner than it seems, life turns around.And I will be strong,even when it all goes wrong.All i know is yesterday is gone,and right now I belong.Hop the fst train out of town.Going fast is going slow.What could have been we'll never know.Then i hear you whisper low,I love you so.Nothing is what it seems when you live inside your dreams.My heart won't crumble If we ever say goodbye.Monye,Love,And jealousy.I will follow where you go.The walls will tumble.One more mile. One more kiss. One more word. One more wish.And I will savor this place call home.I'm not gonna cry if we ever say goodbye.Someday you will find the place.It's the place where love takes over hate.And you'll all the things you do effect everyone around you.Then you see there's no fear at all.You held my hand, we took down that wallAs I looked at you with nothing to say...Now I understand why you pushed me away.I looked far and now I see,that the only one I needed was me.
Love,Mars GraceAge 14

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part XIII

Kelly Clarkson REMIXED

I'm surrounded by your embrace.
You're my saving grace.
I pray you won't fade away.
You hit me like a ray of sun.
You break through my darkest night.
You pull me back down to the ground again.
I'm never gonna shut you out.
I can feel our souls colliding.
Your skin against mine is so smooth, silk.
Every where I look,
I see your face,
Even in the cruelist of places.
Your love sees the pain through to the end.
I never want to leave you,
Because doing so is just another way to die.
I don't need a man at my side if I got you instead.
Girl, you know I need you to survive.
But...
Love can be a many splendid thing.
A dozen roses,
A diamond ring,
It can make you hear a symphony.
The trouble with love is...
It can tear you up inside,
It doesn't care how fast you fall,
You got no say at all.
I was once a fool.
But now my world is a deeper blue.
I swore my heart would never mend.
But then love is calling out my name.
It's stonger than your pride.
You can't refuse the call.
Every time i turn around,
I think I got it all figured out.
Every story ends the same,
Me standing in the pouring rain.
It makes your heart believe a lie.
Everybody's talking,
but they dont say a thing.
They look at me sad eyes,
but i don't want the sympathy.
Sometimes you can't go back.
Why'd you have to make a mess like that?
Were you left out in the cold?
There's nothing left to say.
Lonely...
Wait for an angel to come in the night,
And shed some sweet light on me.
Then you came to me.
Just when I gave up,
my world came tumbling down,
You're some kind of miracle.
You are a miracle to me.
The look in your eyes is touching my heart.
I found the sweetest salvation in you arms.
You came and just lifted me up.
You brought joy to my heart.
I found love in your arms.
See what you've done to me.
You gave me the love that I need.
I'm getting close to you.
Like a shadow I can't lose.
I know you understand me.
What's up lonely?
Tell me, heartache...
What's it gonna take for you to come home with me?
Sometimes, I wish you were by my side.
I need your shoulder.
I want to leave this broken heart behind.
Can you give me a hand?
I've hung around.
It's getting tough.
I think I'm gonna break soon.
One day I was in the park,
in the rain...
I looked up and you were my sky.
I've been waiting for you...
Be quiet, angel.
No more tears.
Can't you see me?
I've been trying to find my way.
I thought you were just a dream...
Then I saw you next to me in the hallway.
I knew you were for real.
Sweet darling,
Why don't see me like I see you?
I drown in your dreams.
An exquisite extreme.
You are more heaven than a heart can hold.
If I try to save you,
My whole world could cave in.
I don't know what you're after.
But you're just so beautiful.
A beautiful disaster.
You're magic and myth.
You've seen more damage than a soul should see.
Hold on tight.
I don't know...
But you're so beautiful.
If I can hold on through the tears and laughter,
would it be beautiful or a disaster?
I'm longing for love.
I'm waiting for a miracle.
I've been waiting so long.
You're soft to the touch.
I never get enough,
and still you're more than I can take.
You know my soul.
You know my heart.
You know my thoughts.
You know my dreams.
You should know that I love everything about you.
I'm thankful for all the love that you keep bringing in my life.
I love having you around me,
Don't you know?
You make me smile.
I'm thankful for all the heartache and pain.
You make me so strong.
I'm thankful for all the moments we've had together.
So thankful.
Anytime you feel like you can't hold on...
Just hold on to my love,
and I'll help you be strong.
I can reach your heart.
I can't face this world that's keeping us apart.
I can be the one to let you see the world.
Let me be the one.
You're in my heart.
I look into your eyes...
I can't help but want you.
Take all of your fears and cast them all on me,
Cause all I've ever wanted is just to make you see.
Let give you more.
I'm on your side.
There's no way out.
I can't help the way I feel.
I'm the fire.
My love is real.
Anytime you need love...
You know.
I can stand the pain.
I can make it all right.
What if I told you it was meant to be?
Would you believe me?
Would you worry?
Tell me you don't think I'm crazy when I tell that love has come here.
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this.
I can't believe it's happening to me.
Everything changes,
but love always remains.
I may be dreams,
but till I awake...
Can we make this dream last forever and cherish all the love we share?
Some people search forever for that one special kiss.
I want to know that you'll catch me when I fall.
I wonder how I ever made it through a day in a world in shades of gray.
When i looked into your eyes,
Where the road stretched out in front of me and I realized
I never fell before you touch.
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive,
but then again I wasn't really living before your love.
I never lived before your love.
All my dreams were of castles in the sky.
I stand before you and my heart is in your hand.
I don't know how I survived before your kiss,
because I'd never had a reason to exist.
I don't why the sun decides to shine,
but you breathed your love into me just in time.
I never had a reason to exist before your love.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
Written: UNKNOWN

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part XII

Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.
Strike up the band.
I don't want to be alone.
Don't you see me sparkling?
Take a sharpie and call me yours.
I'm all that you want me to be.
Take me and use me,
love or beat me down.
I don't care,
just hold me close and never die.
I want to be held like a child,
or like a lover.
Whichever.
I want to be told that it's alright.
Eye love rock & roll,
but I love you more.
Krista and Kyshya,
my two wonderful beauties,
marry me, please.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
You've been with me through just about everything.
Now I'm asking you both to die with me,
Live with me,
sing with me,
dance with me,
swim with me
in the skies above us until we all crumble and crack.
Will you commit to me?
Because if I really was in hell...
the only thing I would crave would be you two...
well, and water, of course.
Don't blame me!
It's my heart.
I dream of you both at least once a night...
unless I'm drunk off my ass,
or higher than a kite.
I want you both.
It's not a matter of which of you is my favorite.
I crave you both equally.
You may be thinking I'm a freak...
but I can't help it.
Krista,
I've watched you date Tyler, Tyler, and Teddy.
I was jealous.
I wanted to kill them all...
because I never once got to hold you like they have.
That's why I hate Wesson.
Teddy...
It's impossible to hate him...
and yet I still kinda want to strangle him.
Kyshya,
I've watched you date Zac, and Tyler
(I can't remember if there are more...).
And I really want to murder Zac for doing that to you.
I want to spit on Tyler for I don't Know why.
I was jealous.
I cried when I found out you and Tyler were going out.
And I want to kill your "father" for hurting you like that.
I want to hold you both in my arms until all your pain fades away.
It makes me feel like a coward for not expressing my feelings out loud,
So I'm telling you through this.
I LOVE K+K with all my HEART.
I guess what this all sums up to in the end is this:
I never want to let you go.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
Written: Friday, June 26, 2009, 10:08:56 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part XI

Breaking through the surface of the boiling water,
I see God.
He's crying.
Gods aren't supposed to cry.
What the ...Hell.
It can't be God.
God isn't here.
It's a trick.
But I feel fine.
No pain...Yet.
No one's laughing in my ears.
Suddenly I feel gentle hands pull me free.
I'm no longer binded to the Devil.
I've been given a second chance.
Free.
Laying naked in the streets.
I look to the sky.
Rain splatters onto my steaming skin,
cooling and refreshing,
wiping away the sins of my past.
Nausea wracks at my mind.
Nowhere to go,
nowhere to turn.
Alone in the alleyways of my old town.
I see familiar faces,
but do they see me?
Kyshya and Krista,
walking down the streets.
They look sad.
I wonder.
A set of clothes appear at my side.
Quickly dressing,
I run out to them.
They look as if they've seen a ghost.
"What? It's me?
Don't you love me, anymore?"
tears.
"W-we just buried you!?"
Krista starts shaking.
"Is it really you?"
Kish, how good to see you!
"YES!"
"how is it you're alive!?"
Krista, darling, I love you.
"I was being drowned in lava,
down in hell,
when I was suddenly taken away,
and given a second chance.
It was horrible."
Cries.
In the arms of my...
there's no word to describe how much I love these women.
"We'll take care of you."
In unison.
I turn as a truck passes,
honking its horn.
Visions of Hell make me flinch,
Scream.
"What is it?"
Kyshya, I love you too.
"Don't make me go back!"
I fall to my knees.
I can still feel ghosts of the pain.
"Honey, you look like crap."
Thanks, K-Sta.
"I may be dead, but I'm still pretty."
Laugh.
My first laugh as a Reborn.
"Are you hungry?"
"Starving."
Grumble grumble.
As they feed my completely empty stomach,
Visions of Hell are stronger than ever.
They had fed me hot coals,
bleach,
Draino,
oil,
gas,
nitrogen,
and things I can't even describe.
Hell is a place no one should have to go to.
I wish I could say that things like that in...
Hell...
Never happened to anyone.
But people feel it everyday down there.
Love,
Mars Grace, Reborn
Age 14
Written:June 14, 2009, 11:56:00 AM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part X

System Of A Down Remixed and Romanticized

What do i feel?
What do I do?
What do I say?
In the end it all goes away!
Some people call it insane!
I sit in my empty room.
No lights.
No music.
Fuck you!
I play Russian Roulette everyday,
Yeah, with a bullet called life.
Shit!
Now I'm locked away forever.
I'm trying to assemble a penitentiary.
I'm trying to kill the people.
I'm trying to break out of prison.
I'm trying to destroy your mind.
I'm trying to understand your words.
Drugs are my vice.
My force is the source of all creation.
WAR!
Fuck the system.
I need to fuck the system.
We all need to fuck the system.
Put on a little makeup.
I don't think you trust in my self-righteous suicide.
I cry and angels deserve to die.
Fuck you.
I found you...crawling away from me.
I commend my spirit.
Why have you forsaken me?
Please trust in my self-righteous suicide.
Swimming through the void,
we lose ourselves.
We always want to go
but we never want to stay.
We always want to win
but we never want to lose.
Free my life.
Life is a waterfall,
we all drink from the water then we turn around and build up our walls.
So up high...
When you free your life,
you burn your lies.
We don't need to multiply.
Too many lives on one rock.
Welcome to America and all our brutality.
Service with a smile.
I like to push the merry-go-round.
The little boy smiled
and said, "Don't make me kill you, again."
Distorted figures in my head.
The schizo breaks free,
takes over my mind.
screaming for help,
I cry.
My insides have turned to ash.
This is not my life.
This not my home.
This is not me.
I hate this.
I'm burning alive.
Flames lick their way up my spine.
My feet turn to ash.
My tears are cinders.
Screaming inside and out,
I need water.
But instead I get ice.
Too cold.
Too hot.
Too much.
My insides are blocks of ice.
My toes turn black.
I try to move.
My feet fall off.
Everything turns to slush.
I go down the drain that's under my metatarsals.
Heaven's ruler decends upon me,
laughs in my face.
I'm denied entrance.
The Underworld's master takes me with a smile.
"Welcome to fucking hell!
Glad to finally meet you!
You'll be taken to the 'eternal pain' section!"
Snakes bite into my neck,
their poison makes me shriek.
Squeezing my air supply dry,
I claw at the squirming binds.
A whip snaps against my back.
Knives take away my metacarpals.
Goodbye hands.
Goodbye feet.
Goodbye life.
Goodbye me.
The Devil meets me eye to eye.
"Thirsty?" Smirk.
"PLEASE STOP!"
I try to cry but there are no tears.
He laughs and cuts out my tongue.
"DRINK THAT!"
He slaps me.
Screaming at the pain,
But gratefully drink the blood.
Wires replace the binds.
Tearing into
my flesh
my limbs
my heart
my lungs
my stomach
my intestines
all on the floor of this flaming hell.
I'd do anything to be able to breathe.
My body is suddenly whole.
I try to run.
But running isn't possible in hell.
The Devil giggles like a school-girl
as he shoves bleach down my throat.
It burns.
Cursed fire sets aflame my body once again.
"FUCK YOU! MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!"
Sheets of icy silk take away the pain.
It feels as if I'm floating in water.
Opening my eyes I see a bright light.
I go towards it,
even though you yell not to.
Relief as I reach the orb.
But then the pain is back
and the Devil had tricked me.
no more hope left.
No more.
Eternity is a long time for people in hell.

Love,
M. C. Grace
Age 14
Written: Saturday, June 13, 2009, 9:29:48 PM

Blinded Vertigo Upside-Right Outdoors

The crow outside is cawing
but i can't hear
the wind faded away
like my dreams of paisley green
now replaced with gore and horror
blood spatters
a rainbow of torture
and at the end i see your face...

Distorted Thoughts Of Confusion

Distorted background noises

pancakes mixed with cyanide

bleach stained shirt

blood stained jeans

the crimson fades to black

mouth newly sewed shut

the blinds, wide open

and i can't see.

Why Can't I See?

Blind fold over my eyes.
Ductape over my mouth.
Hands bound behind my back.
The rope digs into my flesh.
I'm surrounded by love,
And yet i find i can't breathe.
my feet are free to move.
Suddenly I'm blinded by the sun.
But its purple.
The sky is green.
The ground is blue.
My skin is pure white,
and it hurts to look.
I see myself in a mirror.
My eyes, no longer green,
Are bright pink.
They pierce my own soul,
Dragging my in.
I see the clouds turn to ash,
The sun explodes inward.
Darkness again.
Afraid to open my eyes,
I lie on the ground,
Huddled in the fetal position.
Never to see the light again.

Unfortunately Marvelously Graceless

I trip and stumble upon the rocks underneath my feet.
My feet are bleeding against the hot rocks.
The singe and burn,
Crumbling to ash.
Flames lick my skin up to my ankles.
My height shrinks as my body dissintegrates.
The heat fades and is replaced by ice.
The ice shatter my bones.
Forget the sticks and stones.
The sky turns gray,
Traces of the sun leaks below the horizon.
And there i am.
Left for dead in my darkness of yesterday.

Words

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
...
Yeah right.
You sighed as i cried.
I smiled as you died.
Good riddance.
Farewell.
Have fun in Hell.
Randomness.
Oh what to do.
I can't sleep.
I can't forget the words you never said.
How could I? How would I?
Why should I?
Sure, I bled.
I shed tears.
But it was my life.
My only shred of existance.
In your arms.
But i fell.
And i don't think I'm getting up off the floor ever again.

P.S. I'm sorry i never told you i loved you
Because i knew it'd end up this way.

Awesome Remixes/Songs That I've Found

ON YOUTUBE.COM...

~I'm On A Boat Club Remix posted by justinrr3
~3OH!3 - Don't Trust Me Club Remix posted by justinrr3
~Owl City - Fireflies (Lady GayGay Remix) aka (Respeed with Bass) posted by LadyGayGay
~KID CUDI vs. OWL CITY -- Day & Night vs. Hello Seattle - THE METAMORPHOSIS posted by foderall1123
~Flo Rida - Right Round Techno Remix Club / Dance Mix (DJ MONEY) posted by DJJMONEY1870
~TECHNO CHICKEN Feat. Domino's Remix posted by danieldxm
~THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!! (TECHNO REMIX) FUNNY!!! posted by igammer9999
~"Boomisfaction"- Boom Boom Pow vs. Satisfaction - DJ Drago's Vocal Mash Up posted by djdrago21
~Pitbull - Krazy Remix 2009 by DjCK posted by OriginalDjCK
~DragonForce - TTFAF DJFro remix Techno posted by LordKamelot
~Lady Gaga - Paparazzi Techno Remix posted by MarcoPs7
~Lady Gaga - Paparazzi - Techno / Trance Remix posted by KMusicZ
~Unce unce unce trance! posted by DeeJayAnton
~Bloodhound Gang Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss posted by mzuena13

I just found an awesome one....anything by djshanz on YouTube is good. hot asian chicks dancing lol. XD

Imogen Heap

My best friend discovered this artist through her friend, Matty. I honestly think she is amazingly gifted. Anyone who thinks otherwise can eat dirt. But oh well.

I have various of her songs on my MP3, some of which are "Speeding Cars", "Hide and Seek", "Tidal", "Hallelujah", and much more {i just can't think of them right now Lol.}

I've found a few remixes of "Hide and Seek" that I enjoyed. Such as "Watcha Say Remix Jason Derulo Ft Imogen Heap and Jprox NEW SONG 2009" on YouTube. Also "The Game - What You Say (Feat Jay-Z) w/ Download Link [Hide and Seek rap mix]" which is also on YouTube.

My brother and cousin are big into Techno and remixes so one day I decided to look up some remixes of MY favorite songs to try to get them into more genres. i don't know if it worked yet or not. {Fingers crossed.}

I've also just gotten into a new genre...Screamo. I know I know. I'm not into Job For A Cowboy though. i absolutely despise that band. It's just...noise. Gasp. Did I say that...recap.

Yes. And I meant it.

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part IX

Sometimes your friends are smoke and neon lights.
And I'm still all alone when the show is over.
Sometimes you got the drugs and you can't say no.
You know I'm crazy.
I've got this feeling in my blood and in my bones.
They've got each other...
But I'm still all alone.
I got your number,
but that doesn't mean I have to call you.
Loosen up,
drain your cup.
Time to tear it up.
I got one shot,
the night is young,
don't try to slow me down.
I got enough drugs to go around.
If you don't take some you'll be left behind.
Time to tear it up.
There's no telling where I'm gonna show up,
No telling where I'll wake up.
But when I do,
I'm gonna do it all again.
Two shots,
nights still young.
Now I need another hit of that drug,
kiss me, baby, again.
I can't sleep,
can't even breathe.
When you put your hands on me
you start a chemical reaction.
I can't even count to two.
You always leave me shaking.
The first time i saw your face,
I got wasted on your love.
I'm a user,
you're my drug.
I left my concsience somewhere else,
and it's a major make-out session.
I've embarassed myself publicly.
I'm passed out on your lawn.
You're turning me into a fiend.
Time to leave you behind.
I can't survive another night of your ecstasy.
Don't lead me on.
I can only wait so long.
I'm being way too nice.
You're tearing me apart.
What do I have to do to make you want me?
Whoa!
Faster.
Don't waste your time saying please.
If you want to ravish me...
Finish what you start!
I need a pick me up.
I want it louder.
I kick it higher,
I hit the cieling.
Fill my cup all the way to the top.
More, more...
don't ask why.
Save me.
Take me away tonight.
They're coming for us.
We need a place to go.
Let's find the right spot so we can be alone.
Keep it coming.
I'm gonna party till the day I die.
Rawr!
I can't see you,
but I know you're there.
I feel you on my neck and
fingers and in my
hair.
Don't hold back.
Can't say no.
Cause of you I'm animal.
I lose control.
Just a drop and my heart starts to react.
Take a bite,
you know its not a sin.
Wild in the streets,
don't care if anybody sees.
Nothing bites like I do,
And I'm ready to attack.
Called all my friends,
and they're on the way.
I'm the teacher,
you're the student.
Get up off your ass,
forget about romance,
DANCE!
Take a seat.
Baby, you don't have to fight it.
We all know you like it.
Pay attention,
and I'll show you how we do it.
Play my favorite song,
the one that turns me on.
My minds on overdrive,
I don't want to stop this ride.
You can come here for the party.
I'm going out alone tonight.
I'm taking the lead away from you.
I know what to do.
You don't have to show me how to move.
I can't hear a word you say,
I know how to make you stop.
All I want is something new...
You know what it is.
When all the lights come on,
I'll still be going on and on.
I know the steps to this dance.
Stop.
Now I want SOMEONE new.
See you later.
I'm better without you.
I see a new victim.
I've been looking you over,
You're looking right.
Take a chance,
and take it tonight.
I've got plans for you and me.
Do I make you nervous.
You're making me hot.
I'm ready to go,
whether you are ready or not.
I wanna play with your emotions, baby.
Once I have you in my possession,
I'm gonna love you until it hurts.
I know you're not shy.
You know what to do to me.
Let me touch you.
I'm dreaming of you.
I'm gonna show you what it feels like.
Backyard, rooftop,
let's get dirty.
So delicious.
Midnight, nice and naked.
I'm gonna break you in.
I've got something bad for you.
You can't stop it.
Just let it go.
Dance a little slower.
Loosing your focus?
Go lower!
Slide under the covers.
Lover, take it easy and you could be mine.
i came here to remind you...
Don't you miss the games we used to play?
Gimme what I want.
Or I'm gonna have to tell your girlfriend about us.
She looks like such a Barbie doll.
Does she know you're my sinner?
I know you've been missing me.
It don't matter.
Tonight's all right with me.
DOn't stop the rock,
Don't stop the beat.
I don't want to pay for your drugs,
I got my own anyway.
I'm making demands.
Get on the floor and make me beg for you to stop.
Who needs sleep?
Sometimes you can't remember where you spent the night.
And I can't get enough.

Love,
M. C. Grace
Age 14
Written: Saturday, June 13, 2009, 8:16:24 PM

-Inspired by The Donnas' Bitchin' CD <3 <3 <3

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part VIII

I'm lost in the past of my present.
Hate has lost it's edge
in the war of Love.
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me.
Bells chime as the winds die.
No one is listening but me.
The trees and their whispers
captivate me to cry.

F.S.D.W.L.L.D.
I am FALLING,
SLEEPING,
DREAMING,
but never
WAKING.
If I
FALL,
make sure I'm
SLEEPING.
If I'm
DREAMING,
Make sure I'll soon be
WAKING,
So that I know I'm
LIVING
my life to all extremes.
If I
FALL,
Will I
SLEEP?
If I
DREAM,
please do not
WAKE
me.
For I am
FALLING,
SLEEPING,
DREAMING,
WAKING,
LIVING,
LOVING,
DYING
...like I should be.
And so the sun sets...
And rises once again,
and even though I'm gone...
Life still goes on.
You wish to bring me down?
You'll only make matters worse.
{Oh...
I remember now...
At the top of my lungs,
I scream.
In my arms...
She dies.
If this is what you want...
Then fire at will.
I try.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.
The angels of the night are crying for you, dear.
Promise that when I'm gone...
you'll kill all my enemies.
Mark the graves with black rosery.
You are so far from me...
and down we go...
we all go to hell.
Give me all the
poison,give me all the
pills,give me all the
cyanide, and all the
kills...} ~ MCR
I'd rather feel the pain of the world than see you dead and gone.
{Two shots to the back of the head,
mumble some words and
then feel some dread.} ~ MCR
Death is...
there is no word to describe.
When the rich rage war,
it's the poor who die.
Amen.
Stay out of the night,
way down,
you drown.
In death we are reborn as gods and goddesses.
And I'm coming back to take back the life you stole.
Hallelujah, lock and load.
I turn to you,"Would you kill me in my sleep?
Are you lost in your lies?
Because I'm aware of what you've done.
And I'll pay for your mistakes."
Another life,
Another soul,
Another wave of sorrow.
For what you did to me or for what I'll do to you...
One of us has to go.
You're running out of places to hide from me.
I'm just the way the doctor made me...
Broken.
You won't stop me,
I'll put him down.
Grab a gun and meet me by the door.
The clouds above move closer,
looking so dissatified.
My path has lost direction, somehow...
And so they find you on the bathroom floor.
And the ground below grew colder,
as they put you down inside.
Another knife in my hands,
and another stain that won't come out of the sheets.
Don't stop living if I fall...
and dance to the song of the dead on Valentine's Day.
Trust me...I'm better off this way.
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say...
"I'm sorry I ever loved you,Because I knew I would end up breaking you heart."
The only thing worse than one is none.
Just wait until it fades to black.
Just know that I will always remember you
And the lives of everyone you knew.

Love,
M.C. Grace
Age: 14
Written: Friday, June 12, 2009 1:51 PM

-Inspired by Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance <3 <3 <3

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part VII

Friends.

F **kers who
R ely on you
I n
E ven the worst situations and
N ever leave you to
D ie in war. Even if they are really pissed off at you for
S leeping with their boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends/wives.

Friends.

Don't you love 'em!?
I do.
They are with you...
"Through the thick and through the thin."
Sour isn't a nice flavor.
Sweet is.
But sometimes even the sweetest can turn sour.
That's what sucks about the whole thing.
'Cause then you don't want to eat it.
Drinking is only fun when there is a hot guy present,
and he's the one buying.
Do you have what it takes to be my man or woman?
Lift up your shirt,
cover your eyes and start to sing.
Just kidding.
All you gotta do is love me back
and I'll be good.
Or naughty...
whatever.
naughty and nice.
*whip slices the air*
"DANCE!"
The music startsand you have no idea what to do.
You've been taken hostage,
and have been alone for hours.
Lights ever so bright.
Skin drenched with sweat.
They's pumped your veins full of crank.
Withdrawal sinks in.
And shaking like a dog that's been beaten senseless...
they throw you to the streets to be eaten alive by the darkness.
No one but your own thoughts to comfort you...what do you do?
Where are you?
Where the hell are mommy and daddy now?
Alone.
The outside world is scarier than you realize.

Alone.

A fter all your family and friends
L eave you for bigger and better things.
O nly drugs and sex can comfort you
N ow. And you can't
E ven remember your own name.

Alone.

Get the picture?
Let me ask you this?
Have you ever had to fuck an old drunk guy just so you don't get hurt or killed?
Well...
that was the least of my problems when i was dating that bitch, Casey.
He was abusive.
I had to pretend and lie...
But some days it was okay.
Some days he was loveable...
but the next...
You'd be on the ground...
I'D be on the ground.
Bleeding.
He liked to kick.
I'm glad my dark past is over,
and I can begin my future.
F**k you, Casey.
Die in hell.
Never again will you touch me with that hurtful fist.
And never again will i scream in your face.
I apologize for being such a bad person.
Sorry for not being perfect for you.

Love,
mARS gRACE
Age 14
Written: Monday, June 01, 2009 10:26:51 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part VI

Love.

L osing family and friends
O ver a boy that likes
V anishing with all your personal
E ffects.

Love.

What has the world come to?
What have we done?
Destroy us now and end our misery.

Lust.

L etting a man stick his
U gly c**k
S o far up your p***y for about an hour so he can feel
Tremendous.

Lust.

Big difference between L.O.V.E. and L.U.S.T.
Do you see a difference?
Tell that to the MEN in this world.
Dumbasses.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
Written: Monday, June 01, 2009, 10:07:44 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part V

Father dearest,
{why do you break your promises to me?
Don't you know that you hurt me constantly?
But I'm not the little girl you left waiting at home.
I hope you know that what you did was wrong.
Sorry won't erase the things that you did yesterday.
I want you to know that I didn't need you anyway.
But the ties that bind us will never fray.
Where were you when I was scared to go to sleep?
Where were you when I was frightened of waking up to find I was alone?
Where were you to soothe my insecurites?
Where were you the first time someone broke my heart?
But that's all said and done,} ~ Fefe Dobson, Unforgiven
So I'm just gonna move along.
We are all living in a teenage alien nation.
Paranoia's on the rise.
Today i couldn't be upset,
Because I got high.
So many things are unforgiven.
The world outside my window is changing so rapidly.
I can't see straight.
The haze is blinding my 20/20 vision.
All my life,
and everywhere I go,
I smell burning bridges
and singed souls.
They scream in agony as I live on,
but even after they're dead and gone,
Their shrieks can be heard,
but only as an Echo.
Crash. Crash. Crash.
That's the sound of kids...
crashing and burning
from too much energy.
Just so you know...
I'm not a toy.
I am not a humping post.
I am a human being.
And i think you need to go.
Yes.I'm talking to you, Josh.
In this diary,
In this memoir,
remember my tears
as I forget your face.
I forget it because of you.
You ruined my soul,
just like the first guy.
Tore it to pieces.
Total annihilation.
So I pulled some strings
and now you're gone.
I've sent you to a place.
A place that's reserved for rapists and people that talk at the theater.
Good luck with the rest of eternity...
NOT!
Sometimes I give in to sadness.
Sometimes I don't.
At times I'm part of the madness.
Sometimes I won't give in to you.
You see in a way...
I have been drifting down a river to nowhere...
And you've given me nothing.
But if you're ready to be my everything...
If you're ready to see it through this time...
And if you're ready for love then...
This I will bring...
But I'm not gonna wait for you forever...
This time.
At times I feel myself smiling.
Are you waiting for a special occasion to give me your heart?
Cause I need a little confirmation to make a real start.
Don't wait till it's too late.
Are you ready to show me?
Are you ready to love me?
Here in this diary:
I write you visions of my summer
It was the best I ever had.
There were chorus' and sing alongs
And not a spoken feeling
And that unspoken feeling of knowing
That right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking,
Listening to 80's songs,
And quoting lines from all those movies that we love...
It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up.
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And you eventually you'll finally get it right.
Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
And wreaking havoc on our world,
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time...
The black top singing me to sleep.
Lighting fireworks in parking lots illuminate the blackest nights,
Cherry cokes under the moonlit summer sky...
it's time to say goodbye
Get on the bus, it's time to go.
She said, "I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If we're coming or I'm going
It's not how I planned it
I've got the key to the door
But it just won't open
And I know...
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't...
It goes I never went before
But this time I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do...
You know I can't see through the haze around me.
And I can't find my way.
I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better."
He's got kung fu grooves that can never be imitated.
She's got a fashion queen walk and she wears her blue jeans faded.
He's got moves with the puck that we've never ever seen,
and his girlfriend's 14 and he's 28 and she gives advice that'll ease your paranoia.
And we all need someone to save our souls,
'Cause the next time could be mine, could be yours.
I want it all.
No matter what you thought you heard me say.
No matter what you know you can't escape today.
So what if you don't like me ,
I don't give a fuck if you don't like me.
I can change my lock .
It seems that I'm rotten to the core.
Forget about tomorrow
You and me,
we're going down in sorrow.
Youth of the nation going nowhere.
It's all wrong.
I guess that some of us have come and gone.
I guess we kinda should have known it all along.
Never going anywhere.
Sometimes you gotta pick it up and roll the dice.
Your looking back and you don't think twice about feeling lonely everyday.
Here comes the water...
It's come to wash away the sins of you and I.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
Written: Monday, June 01, 2009, 9:54:28 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part IV

Love is like dancing...
on hot coals!
"Baby, you make my temp go up!"
"Get a good look, 'cause you ain't eva gonna get this!"
Those were the words said...
Said when I met that boy.
You know the one.
Tall.
Strong.
Dishwater blond.
Baby blue eyes.
Totally not my type.
And yet...
He stole that V thing.
Yeah.
That's the one.
"Slut."
That's an oxymoron in and of itself.
Don't ask how.
Isn't it funny how a girl can dress like a man,
and hide her true identity.
How a single shirt can cloud your judgment.
How a schizophrenic can really be so intelligent.
And, of course, an ugly catepillar can morph into a beautiful butterfly.
Don't judge a book by its cover,
and talk to it.
Listen.
Read.
See with your own eyes how much of a good book it is.
Hell!
You can taste it for all I care.
Just don't judge before you get to know.
You'd be surprised.
{What's the time?
Well, it's gotta be close to midnight...
Time for danger.
I wanna commit a crime.
I wanna be the cause of a fight.
I wanna put on a tight skirt and flirt with a stranger.
I break the rules once I learn the game.
Life's too short, babe, time is flying.
We don't need any money,
I always get in for free.
You can get in too,
if you get in with me.
I have to go out tonight.
You wanna play?
Let's run away.
Me-OW!
I got a wink from the door man.
You're on the line with the feline.
Take my hand,
we're gonna howl,
prowl and be the night's owl.
In the evening,
I've got to roam.
I can't sleep in the city of neon and chrome.
It feels too damn much like home,
when the Spanish babies cry.
So let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are,
where all the scars from the nevers and maybes die.
Wanna hit the street?
Do ya wanna wail at the moon like a cat in heat?
Do not forsake me.
I'll let you make me out.
Looking for romance?
Come back another day.
The heart may freeze,
or it can burn.
The pain will ease,
If I can learn.
There is no future,
There is no past.
I live this moment as my last.
There's only us.
There's only this.
Forget regret,
or your life is yours to miss.
No other road.
No other way.
No day but today.
There's only yes,
only tonight.
We must let go to what's right.
No other course.
No other way.
No day but today.
I can't control
"Control your temper."
My destiny
"She doesn't see."
I trust my soul
"Who says there's a soul?"
my only goal is just to be.
"Just let me be.Who do you think you are?"
There's only now.
There's only here.
Give in to love,
or live in fear.
No other path.
"The door is that way."
No other way.
No day but today.
"The fire's out anyway."
No day but today."} ~ From Rent
Have you met those people that are always full of
obsessive-compulsive control-freak paranoia?
I have.
{Ever since puberty,
everybody stares at me.
Boys, girls, I can't help it, baby.
Take me for what I am,
Who I was meant to be.
And if you give a damn,
take me, baby,
or leave me.
A tiger in a cage can never see the sun.
This diva needs her stage.
So be mine and don't waste me time.
No way can I be what I'm not.
Don't lose our head.
I hate mess,
but I love you.
Be wise,
'Cause this girl satisfies.
A lovable, droll geek.
Women!?
What is it about them?
Can't live with them or without them.
Without you
the ground thaws,
the rain falls,
the grass grows.
Without you
the seeds root,
the flowers bloom,
the children play,
the stars gleam,
the poets dream,
the eagles fly.
Without you
the Earth turns,
the sun burns...
But I die without you.
Life goes on,
But I'm gone...
'Cause I die without you.} ~ From Rent
I hated that boy after a while.
{You were always
hit the road,
don't commit,
you're full of shit!
You didn't give an inch,
when I gave a mile!
Love's not a three-way street.
Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare?} ~ From Rent
Don't give up before your time is through.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
Written: Thursday, May 28, 2009, 11:16:48 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part III

Think twice...
Now think again.
I am the face in the mirror...only not.
I used to be the shy one.
The one that strayed AWAY from trouble.
But I was curious.
I swerved, reckless.
I backtracked.
Then picked up speed...
madness.
There were no limits.
No top end...
just a high velocity rush.
Some call my life distorted reality...
and it's exactly where I want to be,
only in a different life,
a different home,
and I want it now.
I like shouting obscenities.
I like being talented in oh-so-many enviable ways.
I like not being sane.
I am no perfect daughter.
There is only me.
When phantoms cry,
I hear them,
vaguely,
but surely.
And when dreams no longer satisfy me,
I go to them and release myself.
I remember that first night.
It's foggy and unsure at moments.
But there's no denying it...
I'm born to be wild.
To be free and untamed.
Spare me those Psych '01 labels.
I'm no more schizo than most.
I'm no imaginary playmate.
I'm no overactive pituitary.
I'm no alter ego.
Not anymore, at least.
Marriänné is gone.
My name is Mars.
Fear me AND my roar.
She fought long and hard,
always treading the riptide in fathomless oceans where good girls drown.
Even good girls have secrets and regrets,
and that's exactly what drowned her in the end.
All her lies and secrets and regrets were too much for her soul.
I was scared at first.
I didn't have anyone to share my own secrets with.
But I made myself believe the lies were truth.
And now I live in my lies
and drown in my truths.
Fun, isn't it?
But still...
Who do I turn to on the lonely moon-shadowed walks?
Who do I become when night descends?
I'll tell you.
I take a cool puff of smoke from my cig and let my vampires out to party.
Mommy has a God complex.
She started an avalanche.
She wanted to save me.
She said I was young, clueless.
To me, mom was a self-serving bitch.
Then she sent me away.
I think that was the last time I saw her cry.
I was on my way to the crazy house.
People there were fussy.
They complained a lot.
Someone was screaming...
it all made me nauseous.
They fed us Mac 'N Cheese.
Yum.
Bring on the constipation.
Brandy, the gripe-machine.
I closed my eyes,
tried to shut her out...
Isaiah pulled at his bandaged wrists.
Holly on the phone,
trying, desperately, to keep her current husband.
Jeremy, fighting his schizophrenic demons.
Bryan was rubbing lotion on his newest tattoos.
Sue, braiding Jacelynn's long blond hair.
They were all beautiful.
They were my family.
My eyes were still closed.
The nurse thought I needed assistance.
Quickly, I recovered and composed myself at the dinner table.
I finished my fake cheese and crunchy noodles.
I've been alone since birth,
now I had friends,
But then mommy thought I'd needed help.
Thought I was crying out for it.
Really, I was trying to breathe.
Breathe on my own
and live my own life.
But there I was...
alone again...
well, not completely.
I had my ultimately reliable insanity to comfort me.
And my new family.
Daddy came to my court meeting three weeks later.
But there was no emotional embrace...
Only hidden tears that formed,
but only destined to fall when I was alone.
I needed my friends.
I NEEDED them...
But, until Monday, I was all alone,
with the exception of that stupid idiot name Insanity.
I really wanted my new family.
I love Insanity.
But she got in the way of things, sometimes.
Of course.
She was better than Marriänné,
because she always crashed the party.
Insanity, however...
*She laughs manically*
She knows all and beyond into time and space,
just beyond this continuum.
Together, we're
not quite asleep,
not quite conscious,
and not quite in this dimension.
We coasted along a memory...
It was glimpses of truth
speed bumped within childish belief.
We see glimpses of a soul,
aching,
and dreams,
fractured,
injuries only death could cure.
We sometimes pretend to have fun.
We aren't that mean.
We want people to be happy,
not mad.
Mad is bad, scary and unwelcome.
Share with us a toast to happiness and fun,
for you and you and you and maybe even for us.
Let us be your substitute for Love.
This summer heat is almost unbearable,
But hey...
it's a whole lot hotter in Albuquerque.
I wonder what it feels like to melt...
Wonder...
That's a funny word.
If the world stopped spinning...
would my head stop too?
Doubt gnaws at my brain.
Why does doubt prevent to much happiness?
Forget it.
I don't want to think about doubt.
When I got home...
Nasty odors gulped...
Old Golds,
Jack Daniels,
And B.O.
This wasn't normal...
for this house, anyway.
Mom had quit smoking.
Wait.
The truth sucks.
When you realize that you are the reason for your mother's smoking habits...
You feel like shit.
Home and I were now strangers.
Home sweet home?
Yeah right!
Damn, I needed my friends!
Even Insanity ached for them...
And Insanity was a misanthrope.
So nice.
Don't you just LOVE abandonment!?
Even the dogs avoided me.
Fuck this.
I'm changing the subject,
because I don't feel like visiting my past at the moment,
'Cause I had a good day today.
Hi!
I'm a teenager!
"So how is your life?"
I'm hormonal,
I get three zits monthly,
I'm often confused,
I get dizzy easily,
I live for highs and rushes,
I need medication to function like a human,
and I'm lusting for love.
You?
"Same."
Life's a roller coaster
and even a seatbelt can't save you.
I'm starting to doubt...
Damn it!
There's that word again.
Fuck it.
I'm starting to doubt that even death can save me from this roller coaster.
There.
I said it.
Conversations like to take an ugly turn...
especially ones with your parents.
If I can't find my White Knight...
I hope I at least find a gray one.
I thought I had someone once...
Or...at least, I THOUGHT I did.
Sleep is hard...
when you have a tree branch scratching at your window.
I'm a crazy sonofabitch.
But, hey, let's not go there.
My dad isn't perfect,
But he's still my dad.
He may have addictions,
But so do I.
Time passes by with little word from father.
Mom's growing frustration at a career
and the family at home.
Over the last few years,
I've gained a little perspective.
Mom struggled to raise three kids...
until Kent...
then it was more like six kids.
Dad's love of drugs surpassed his love of family.
My life is a complicated child's game.
When I met that boy,
But he was more of a man,
I wanted his hands to investigate the hills and valleys of my landscape.
I wanted his perfect pout reaching hungrily for my own timid lips.
I wanted his face burrowing into my hair, finding my neck and tasting.
Didn't I?
Fuck yeah!
But I'd never even said Hello to such a...
a complete stranger.
But I wanted him.
Needed is a better word for it.
But he saw me first.
It was only fair to give him what he wanted.
Right?
It started with a kiss.
Four months of dating.
Passion firecrackered in tiny bursts from thigh to bellybutton.
"Oh, Baby, I want you so bad."
It wasn't a joke...for long.
He tore my shirt open.
"Wait."
Voice cracked.
"I've waited for weeks."
Against soft skin.
Scared as hell,
and shaking like I was a heroin addict...
He took me.
He took my only innocence,
And, at last, I was completely guilty.
I was, and still am, the worst thing that had ever happened to you.
I told you I was a monster.
I told you with different words,
But I told you, nonetheless.
I started out clean,
But now I'm jaded.
So you sit and smile,
pretending like it's not fazing you,
Not touching you at all.
I stare for a hint of reaction.
I can't stand one more minute of it.
I close my eyes,
daring him to kiss me one more time.
But the past is not the present,
And time can't, or won't, heal our wounds.
We loved each other,
And now we've lost each other.
You were the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I will forever remember you,
And I hope you forget about me and all the horrible things I said to you.
I never meant to hurt you like that.
Forgive me or not...
Just don't hate me, Love.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
Written: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 8:59:38 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part II

Swallow the emotions that hit you like a speeding truck.
Suck it up, you weakling.
He'll never love me the way I love him.
So maybe she'll love me like I love her.
So many options of who to love.
But which fish?
Which fish should I choose out of this sea?
Is it you?
Or is it you, Mr.Wannabe?
Am I living a nightmare?
A nightmare where I never find what I'm looking for?
Well...that sucks ass.
Because I will fight until I find my freedom.
Liar Liar, pants on fire.
You lied and now I'm out to kill.
I'm like lightning.
One strike, and baby it hurts.
I'm a Phat White girl,
and you know what they say.
"Look out for that crazy white chick."
Bitch!
Fuck you and your sorry excuse for a boyfriend.
I don't need a man to make me feel good about myself.
Cause, bitch, I know your secret.
He beats you like the mule that you are.
Get your ass up off that glass-covered floor
And fuckin' fight back.
You may get your ass kicked,
But at least you tried.
These aren't tears cause you're yelling, ma.
These are tears of anger,
And it's the only thing I can do without beating your ass down.
I'll be strong,
But at the moment...
I need my space.
I need to gather my thoughts so I can use them against you.
You can't hold me back.
I WILL break free from you're powerful claws.
You're the monster that was under my bed,
And now I'm your own personal demon.
I will hunt you down,
and you know I don't give up.
Light me up a cig,
I've smoked it once
And I'll do it again.
Slut, you say?
Bitch, call me what you want.
Cause I know who I am,
And I see you for what you are...
A nobody.
Maybe you would be a somebody if you weren't committing suicide.
Don't you get it?
Imitation is suicide, babe.
I sent out the update years ago.
Commit suicide and die?
Or be your own person?
I'd choose answer B,
if you ask me.
Remember?
I'm the voice inside your head.
And I know how to use it against you.
You lie awake at night,
because I'm your conscience.
I tell you what's right and what's wrong.
Listen and maybe you'd understand...
There's a better life out there, waiting.
Time won't make this right...
If you act now,
you'll be free sooner than you'd think.
Breathe.
Now the voices in MY head are telling me to kill you.
Baby, run until you trip...
I'll get you...
The sands of time are against you...
Oops...
I didn't mean to trip you.
I guess your times up.
Laughing in the darkness,
I get the blade of sin...
It's dripping from it's last victim.
Now you're chance of freedom is gone,
And your life has wasted away.
Slice.
I guess I'll see you on the other side, Freedom.
Daddy's an alcoholic who'd rather drink and drive
Than be a father to his only daughter.
You're all alone on this cold street,
Bleeding the freedom onto the pavement.
The homeless all gather to wonder,
Why is freedom slipping through their fingers?
What kind of human would steal another's freedom?
Why would they cage such an innocent monster?
I'll tell you why...
Because her mother was a power hungry maniac.
Now Freedom's mother has killed her dreams of becoming something.
Something that would set millions more free.
Congratulations, mommy...
You've driven your daughter to do what no one would understand...
She killed herself.
Why, you ask?
Don't you get it yet?
You stole her life...
her dreams...
her heart...
her passion...
her everything.
Good job, momma.
I congratulate you.

Love,Marriänné Catherine Grace
Age 14
Written: Saturday, May 16th 2009, 3:57:42 PM

To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part I

Introduction: This is for anyone that thinks I'm crazy. Enjoy.

The tears didn’t even give me a warning before they drowned me.
I bit my arm to stop myself from screaming.
You say I'm crazy...
But really, you have no idea.
The walls start to melt
And you finally know what I am.
I am nothing.
I am a dream.
I don't exist in you're reality.
So close the blinds and go to sleep,
When you wake up again,
I'll be gone,
but not fully.
I'll be waiting for you in the back of your mind.
Don't be frightened.
I'm not scared,
but you are.
Laugh through your tears of hatred.
Dear, you're alright.
I'm not one to be messed with.
So forget about your plans of war.
Let us forget about all this war and disease
and dance in the light of the sun.
Is there anyone that can hear my song?
Is there a man, woman or child there that can understand my cry?
Is this my fate?
To die only as a pitiful dream of a stranger?
Am I never meant to be literally free?
Tell me so I can die on my own terms.
So That God can come down from Heaven
and take us away on a puffy cloud, smiling.
I want to live until I've seen it all.
I want to fall in love and die a happy woman.
I want to have a child of my own.
I want, I want, I want.
I may be greedy, but at least I'm not selfish.
Hugs and kisses aren't enough to make my pain go away.
Nor a hospital stay.
I'll will be insane until I say so.
Don't try and stop me,
because you won't win.
Nothing can stop me from dreaming,
unless you're willing to take my life
just like you took my freedom.
Why are you so mean?
You tell me what to do and make me do things that have no meaning.
You know I will never rest until I've won.
I am just as stubborn,
so bring it.
I guarantee that you won't make it out alive.
I'm an outcast,
and outcasts know what's real and what's fake...
Guess what?
You're fake and truth always rules out the false.
My scars are worse then yours.
You look at my arms and protest.
I meant the emotional scars.
You've no idea what damage you've done.
I'm broken and bleeding on the floor,
but all you see is my outward appearance...
I may look like a normal child...
Truly and surely I'm crazy.
They say crazy people don't know they're crazy...
I'm crazy and I know it.
Maybe i'm an alien with major family issues?
Now I'm the odd girl out.
The music hurts my ears,
but it's better than your hurtful words.
The liqour helps some.
And rocking the boat doesn't mean what it used to.
Times have changed and no one cares.
Like the incubus that lurks beneath the water,
he draws me towards him as trouble did you.
Why do I love that about you?
You're trouble and I know it.
You don't see me, though.
I'm just a girl.
And there are better fish in the sea.
Everything is different now,
and yet I still carry on.
It's all in my mind.
What a foolish teenager I am!
I know more than a regular teacher and yet...
I haven't found any way to escape my prison.
Nobody is happy.
Everybody...HIDE.
I'm an outcast in my own family.
This is the part where you get scared.
She never stops.
She goes on and on.
About her life that is stealing her soul.
She's being sucked into the darkness of depression.
She closes the holy book of lies,
denying to herself of what she thought happened.
My eyes are open wide,
and yet I don't see what you see.
I've made it through another day, at least.
I've hit you back.
I curse God for giving me such a shitty life.
I don’t believe in God.
but I believe in something close to what God is supposed to be.
God is the force of anything that keeps everything in balance.
God balances out good and evil with Satan.
They’re not enemies,
they’re business partners.
They work together to keep the world balanced.
Maybe that's what I am.
Maybe I'm just an empty weight on the scale of the world...
I'm just here to keep the world more balanced.
What if I were to remove myself from this scale?
But I won't.
I'll find a reason to survive.
I'll find myself an anchor.
I won't give in on any side.
I'll scrape my knees and bend the rules without following them.
I'll do whatever I can to live my own life.
I will not die a horrible death.
I will not be hospitalized throughout my childhood.
I will love my friends with all my heart
and my family with whatever's left.
I'll be everything for someone I hold dear.
I will reckless
and I will be perfect as is.
Don't forget...I'm an outcast.
And I am unbeaten.
And I am blessed with a curse.
You thought I was done.
But you are sorely mistaken, my friend.
Have you forgotten?
This is a story of a girl struggling to just get through the vast confusions in her own head
and be able to function like a normal [human] girl.
I do anything to keep my mind wandering from wondering what I’m missing.
You never really realize what you got ‘til it’s gone.
In the light of the sun,
is there anyone?
All that has begun.
Oh but dear, you look so lost.
You don’t know me.
You don’t even care.
He wears his heart safety-pinned to his backpack.
His backpack is all that he knows.
Shot down by strangers,
with glances that can cripple the heart and devour the soul.
All alone he turns to stone,
while holding his breath half to death.
Terrified of what’s inside,
to save his life,
he crawls like a worm from a bird.
Celebrities will never die.
Because they’re famous.
No matter what…
their lives will never be forgotten.
Only time can forget.
I’M NOT ON THE FLOOR.
AND I’M NOT SURROUNDED.
I’M not WAITING!
I'm LOSTFIND ME!
Why are you WAITING to find me?
I could be dead and you wouldn't even care.
My dad’s a drunk.
My mother is a workaholic.
My step father is crippled.
My step sister is a DIP.
My brother is HYPER.
My big brother wants to be a nanotechnician.
My step brother is the biggest asshole in history.
And I’m stuck.
Nice to meet you.
If vodka was water and I was a duck,
I’d swim to the bottom and never come up.
but vodka’s not water and I’m not a duck.
So slide me a bottle and shut the fuck up.
I feel so used because of you.
I solemnly swear that I am up to no fucking good.
I’ve been so love struck,
now I’m just fucked up.
I wish life was as simple as Lady and the Tramp...
or as complicated as Thirteen.
Even after you’re gone,
dreams last for so long,
even after you’re gone.
Why did you leave me?
Why can’t you believe me?
The blade of Sin,
Don’t give in.
Rain falls and falls.
Can’t you hear my calls?
Listen.
Look at the glisten
Of my tears.
The years
Go by
And you don’t know why.
It’s one minute to midnight
Stand up and Fight.
Look through the bloody Mist.
Don’t you See.
It’s Me.
I’m with You…
Through the Thick
And through the Thin.
You can’t Win.
I Love You.
And there is Nothing
You can do about It.
You are the dreamer,
We are the dream.
Sometimes you take chances,
Sometimes we take pills.
Last year’s wishes,
Are this year’s apologies.
Afraid of dying here alone.
Aren't you scared yet?
Blue eyes are blue skies trapped for all to see.
Burn me away.
Now I'm Burnt to a crazy crisp.
I'm alone in my Circle of doubt.
DOn't you see?
I'm Driven with insanity.
I have a Heart of Wooden steel.
Here I am on the floor and you're nowhere to be found.
She eats Her last meal.
I dare you to stare back.
If heaven exists and If hell broke loose.
If you were me, you'd go crazy too.
I look into the opaque nothingness and won't rest until I've found you again.
I see you're hiding from me, but I see through you.
Then I'll Leave you here.
I'll write on your tombstone:
"Love to the perished clown whom we all loved dearly."
I See the light in your eyes.
You bleed the truth.
You see the truth in my eyes.
You are the truth.
Tear for my beloved.
When I found you missing me...
Would you listen?
You know what really bugs me?
Is that you really have no clue,
so you accuse me of being insane.
You can't win.
I've said it before.
Just remember this one thing...

You can’t break the silence of noise.

Love,Marriännè Catherine Grace
Age 14
Written: Sunday, May 10th, 2009 6:05:19 PM

Pins And Needles {Book Idea}

You ever have that feeling? Pins and needles? I usually got it when one of my limbs go numb from the lack of circulation. I like it and hate it at the same time...like love. You'd like to have it but once you got it you hate it.



I met a man like that. His name was ... let's call him Ichigo. Yeah. Ichigo Nakamura. He had dyed his hair black, making him seem "goth" but he was built like a "jock" and as kind as... as kind as could be.



And I loved him. But I hated the girls he hung out with. The "preppy" type. Stereotypically blond, blue-eyed, pretty, tall, "perfect" girls. Bimbos. [No offense.]



But he was also friends with me. Stereotypically "goth" or "emo" or "freak", whatever you want to call me. Always wearing black. Eyeliner. Dark fingernail polish. Funky, bright [dyed] red hair. Bipolar. Schizophrenic Effective. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Depressed. Hyper. The usual...



We were BFFs and nothing could change that.



Except for one thing.



Ichigo was killed. And he just so happened to come back to life. Clawed himself out of his own grave.



I had been crying myself to sleep for the eighth day in a row when I heard a tap, tap on my bay window. [My family was loaded, go figure.]



I wiped my nose with a tissue, tossed it to the floor along with about a hundred others and rolled over to investigate the noise. I shrieked a very shrill shriek, hurting the deafest of ears for sure, and just about collapsed onto my sunshine-yellow shag rug.



My parents were out of town and the household maid was off for the weekend, so I was alone...with my undead best friend [literally] forever.



He opened the window and came in, covered in mud and rain water. [It was raining ... very cliche]



After I got over the fact that he was alive [somewhat], i took him to my step brother's room. [Who was in boarding school in London.]



Luckily George, aka step bro, was practically the same size as Ichigo.



But now came the hard part...



What should we do? Call his parents? Call the police? Do nothing? Do something? Run away? Watch a movie? Forget about the accident altogether? WHAT DO WE DO?



These were about one fifth of the questions that were running through my head.



We decided to figure it out in the morning. So I allowed Ichigo to sleep in my king-sized bed with me until the sun broke through my curtains.



I awoke with the feel of cold skin against my size. Ichigo had wrapped his arm around my waist, allowing us to somehow sleep very comfortably.



"Good morning." He croaked.



"I'm glad you're back." I smiled.