To Anyone Who Thinks I'm Crazy Part III

Think twice...
Now think again.
I am the face in the mirror...only not.
I used to be the shy one.
The one that strayed AWAY from trouble.
But I was curious.
I swerved, reckless.
I backtracked.
Then picked up speed...
madness.
There were no limits.
No top end...
just a high velocity rush.
Some call my life distorted reality...
and it's exactly where I want to be,
only in a different life,
a different home,
and I want it now.
I like shouting obscenities.
I like being talented in oh-so-many enviable ways.
I like not being sane.
I am no perfect daughter.
There is only me.
When phantoms cry,
I hear them,
vaguely,
but surely.
And when dreams no longer satisfy me,
I go to them and release myself.
I remember that first night.
It's foggy and unsure at moments.
But there's no denying it...
I'm born to be wild.
To be free and untamed.
Spare me those Psych '01 labels.
I'm no more schizo than most.
I'm no imaginary playmate.
I'm no overactive pituitary.
I'm no alter ego.
Not anymore, at least.
Marriänné is gone.
My name is Mars.
Fear me AND my roar.
She fought long and hard,
always treading the riptide in fathomless oceans where good girls drown.
Even good girls have secrets and regrets,
and that's exactly what drowned her in the end.
All her lies and secrets and regrets were too much for her soul.
I was scared at first.
I didn't have anyone to share my own secrets with.
But I made myself believe the lies were truth.
And now I live in my lies
and drown in my truths.
Fun, isn't it?
But still...
Who do I turn to on the lonely moon-shadowed walks?
Who do I become when night descends?
I'll tell you.
I take a cool puff of smoke from my cig and let my vampires out to party.
Mommy has a God complex.
She started an avalanche.
She wanted to save me.
She said I was young, clueless.
To me, mom was a self-serving bitch.
Then she sent me away.
I think that was the last time I saw her cry.
I was on my way to the crazy house.
People there were fussy.
They complained a lot.
Someone was screaming...
it all made me nauseous.
They fed us Mac 'N Cheese.
Yum.
Bring on the constipation.
Brandy, the gripe-machine.
I closed my eyes,
tried to shut her out...
Isaiah pulled at his bandaged wrists.
Holly on the phone,
trying, desperately, to keep her current husband.
Jeremy, fighting his schizophrenic demons.
Bryan was rubbing lotion on his newest tattoos.
Sue, braiding Jacelynn's long blond hair.
They were all beautiful.
They were my family.
My eyes were still closed.
The nurse thought I needed assistance.
Quickly, I recovered and composed myself at the dinner table.
I finished my fake cheese and crunchy noodles.
I've been alone since birth,
now I had friends,
But then mommy thought I'd needed help.
Thought I was crying out for it.
Really, I was trying to breathe.
Breathe on my own
and live my own life.
But there I was...
alone again...
well, not completely.
I had my ultimately reliable insanity to comfort me.
And my new family.
Daddy came to my court meeting three weeks later.
But there was no emotional embrace...
Only hidden tears that formed,
but only destined to fall when I was alone.
I needed my friends.
I NEEDED them...
But, until Monday, I was all alone,
with the exception of that stupid idiot name Insanity.
I really wanted my new family.
I love Insanity.
But she got in the way of things, sometimes.
Of course.
She was better than Marriänné,
because she always crashed the party.
Insanity, however...
*She laughs manically*
She knows all and beyond into time and space,
just beyond this continuum.
Together, we're
not quite asleep,
not quite conscious,
and not quite in this dimension.
We coasted along a memory...
It was glimpses of truth
speed bumped within childish belief.
We see glimpses of a soul,
aching,
and dreams,
fractured,
injuries only death could cure.
We sometimes pretend to have fun.
We aren't that mean.
We want people to be happy,
not mad.
Mad is bad, scary and unwelcome.
Share with us a toast to happiness and fun,
for you and you and you and maybe even for us.
Let us be your substitute for Love.
This summer heat is almost unbearable,
But hey...
it's a whole lot hotter in Albuquerque.
I wonder what it feels like to melt...
Wonder...
That's a funny word.
If the world stopped spinning...
would my head stop too?
Doubt gnaws at my brain.
Why does doubt prevent to much happiness?
Forget it.
I don't want to think about doubt.
When I got home...
Nasty odors gulped...
Old Golds,
Jack Daniels,
And B.O.
This wasn't normal...
for this house, anyway.
Mom had quit smoking.
Wait.
The truth sucks.
When you realize that you are the reason for your mother's smoking habits...
You feel like shit.
Home and I were now strangers.
Home sweet home?
Yeah right!
Damn, I needed my friends!
Even Insanity ached for them...
And Insanity was a misanthrope.
So nice.
Don't you just LOVE abandonment!?
Even the dogs avoided me.
Fuck this.
I'm changing the subject,
because I don't feel like visiting my past at the moment,
'Cause I had a good day today.
Hi!
I'm a teenager!
"So how is your life?"
I'm hormonal,
I get three zits monthly,
I'm often confused,
I get dizzy easily,
I live for highs and rushes,
I need medication to function like a human,
and I'm lusting for love.
You?
"Same."
Life's a roller coaster
and even a seatbelt can't save you.
I'm starting to doubt...
Damn it!
There's that word again.
Fuck it.
I'm starting to doubt that even death can save me from this roller coaster.
There.
I said it.
Conversations like to take an ugly turn...
especially ones with your parents.
If I can't find my White Knight...
I hope I at least find a gray one.
I thought I had someone once...
Or...at least, I THOUGHT I did.
Sleep is hard...
when you have a tree branch scratching at your window.
I'm a crazy sonofabitch.
But, hey, let's not go there.
My dad isn't perfect,
But he's still my dad.
He may have addictions,
But so do I.
Time passes by with little word from father.
Mom's growing frustration at a career
and the family at home.
Over the last few years,
I've gained a little perspective.
Mom struggled to raise three kids...
until Kent...
then it was more like six kids.
Dad's love of drugs surpassed his love of family.
My life is a complicated child's game.
When I met that boy,
But he was more of a man,
I wanted his hands to investigate the hills and valleys of my landscape.
I wanted his perfect pout reaching hungrily for my own timid lips.
I wanted his face burrowing into my hair, finding my neck and tasting.
Didn't I?
Fuck yeah!
But I'd never even said Hello to such a...
a complete stranger.
But I wanted him.
Needed is a better word for it.
But he saw me first.
It was only fair to give him what he wanted.
Right?
It started with a kiss.
Four months of dating.
Passion firecrackered in tiny bursts from thigh to bellybutton.
"Oh, Baby, I want you so bad."
It wasn't a joke...for long.
He tore my shirt open.
"Wait."
Voice cracked.
"I've waited for weeks."
Against soft skin.
Scared as hell,
and shaking like I was a heroin addict...
He took me.
He took my only innocence,
And, at last, I was completely guilty.
I was, and still am, the worst thing that had ever happened to you.
I told you I was a monster.
I told you with different words,
But I told you, nonetheless.
I started out clean,
But now I'm jaded.
So you sit and smile,
pretending like it's not fazing you,
Not touching you at all.
I stare for a hint of reaction.
I can't stand one more minute of it.
I close my eyes,
daring him to kiss me one more time.
But the past is not the present,
And time can't, or won't, heal our wounds.
We loved each other,
And now we've lost each other.
You were the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I will forever remember you,
And I hope you forget about me and all the horrible things I said to you.
I never meant to hurt you like that.
Forgive me or not...
Just don't hate me, Love.

Love,
Mars Grace
Age 14
Written: Wednesday, May 27, 2009, 8:59:38 PM